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If you’re bored and need to get your mind off the election or whatever other garbage is in the news cycle, I suggest heading over to Reddit to read this amusing thread of brutal insults. Some of these gems are so emotionally brutal they’ll leave you with first-degree burns on the inside of your soul.
Maybe commit a couple of them to memory for that perfect moment to execute when your buddy’s being a dick and deserves it.
Here are a few of my favorite from the thread.
“16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my fiends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.” — Faultylogic83
Ouch.
Drill Sergeants are well known for their insults. One of my favorites was to a kid in Basic with really bad acne. He said “Those aren’t acne scars, those are marks from the hanger.” — Nautiwow
Burn
Bitchy lady with little kids at the store; she gets tired of waiting in line and yells “Hurry up! I have kids!” To which a guy in line behind her replied “Well ma’am, we all make mistakes, don’t we?”. — DippyMcDumbAss
Reminds me of J.Camm’s favorite: “You should have been a blow job.”
A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her.
“You have more dick in your personality than you do in your pants” — Buzderek
Emasculation complete.
“You’re kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life” — TrinSims
That hurts the soul (and is probably deeply true).
“From the south. Back in high school one of the redneck kids at school was picking on my buddy, and he turns around and says ‘Mike, I wonder if you’d be able to speak more clearly if your parents were second cousins instead of first.'” — PM_ME_UR_SEXY_TABLE
As a fan of West Virginia jokes, I approve.
I’ve heard of one Serbian insult: “You were birthed out your mothers ass because her c*nt was too busy.” — professorfox
AGRESSIVE, Serbia. AGGRESSIVE.
“One day, I was walking with some friends to my University’s quad, when out of the blue this girl walks past me and says, “Hey, nice sandals”. I said thanks, and then she yells back, “enjoy the last supper”, and continues on her way.
I couldn’t function the rest of the day.” — welovemeconrad
You just got Mean Girl‘d.
A friend of mine posted a picture of one of our coworkers in the Navy, and said “roast me.” The top comment was “The only thing your mother wants for Christmas is a folded flag.” — ILovePokemonWiener
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“You should put a condom on your head, because if you’re going to act like a dick you better dress like one too.” — wumbologist1