hbo
In a post submitted to r/relationships on Sunday, Redditor zennaconvolutia asked the Internet for help regarding her relationship with her fiancé Rob. At first their relationship was hunky-dory and had all the makings of a solid marriage:
My fiance, let’s call him Rob, and I, have been engaged for about 6 months, together for 4.5 years. I know this is stereotypical and always kind of suspect, but everything is great except for the One Big Thing. We are both nerdy introverts, studied similar disciplines in university, share similar tastes in books, food, movies, and pretty much everything else. We have always communicated very well, and while over the course of the relationship we did have a small handful of pretty serious fights, we have always been able to come to a compromise, and more importantly, it is very important to us both to always fight fairly, and never say anything from anger that cannot be taken back.
Because of this, I have always been confident that we can weather any storm, and when he proposed to me last fall, I was over the moon! Of course I said yes, and we immediately began making plans together.
Unfortunately for zennaconvolutia, shit began to hit the fan when the two moved in together. Rob and his youngest sister, Sarah, are described as being “inseparable nearly their entire lives,” however that didn’t prepare Z for what Rob asked of her next:
Right up until about 3 days after we’d moved in, when husband started talking about how lonely sister was with him “so far away”, and he was afraid that because of her history of depression that he feels guilty for “abandoning her”, and he asked me if she could move in with us.
WTF?!?!
In my head I was freaking out, thinking that he’d only lived more than 15 minutes away from her for like 72 hours and she was acting like he was moving to the moon with no intention to ever see her again or something, but I didn’t want to be trying to make him choose between me and his family, so I tried to be calm about it. I told him that I was so happy to finally be living in our own place, just the two of us, and that I wanted to maintain our privacy and just enjoy each other, and also reminded him that the reason our cute little apartment is so affordable and convenient to our jobs is that it’s a 700sqft 1 bedroom. We would literally be tripping over each other, with the narrow hallway to the bathroom and galley kitchen.
Rob eventually wore Z down into allowing Sarah to stay with them on the weekends, however that’s when shit started getting even weirder:
For the next several months, Sarah would arrive at our place Friday afternoon, usually while we were both still at work, let herself in, and amuse herself until Rob got home. The two of them would go into the city for dinner/drinks, and sometimes a show or other activity, and they would come back sometime after I’d already gone to sleep. The first night she just slept on our sofa, but the next night Rob said that it made her neck a little stiff, and since she was the guest I should let her sleep in our bed, and stay on the couch myself. So, from then on, any time she visited, Rob insisted that I let her have the bed, where he slept next to her, and I slept on the couch. It made me very sore later, because I have an old back injury that gives me grief if I sleep anywhere other than my extremely expensive specialty mattress, but I tried to soldier through it to avoid fighting with Rob. I didn’t want to be inhospitable, so I let it go.
She came over every single weekend for nearly 4 months, during which time she completely monopolized Rob’s attention and I felt like a third wheel. They spent most of the time in the city without me- like they’d set alarms, wake up super early, and leave before I woke up. A few times I tried to meet them somewhere, but I got the impression that they wanted to be left alone so I usually just stayed home and caught up on chores and Netflix. When we did do something as a threesome, like dinner in the evenings, I felt like neither of them really wanted me there. They only really talk to each other, and mostly it’s inside jokes, or about people/events I’ve never met or wasn’t there for.
Z managed to get Rob to agree to only allowing Sarah over to their home every other Saturday and to completely dispose of her overnight visits. Things seemed to go “okay” for a moment, until Sarah started getting involved in their wedding plans:
For example, we visited several venues in our price range, and decided to go with an aquarium in Nearby Big City, because we both love it and he proposed to me there. We picked a date and put down a deposit. After talking to his sister, he decided that the date we picked was no good, for some convoluted reason that actually never really got explained to my satisfaction. Instead of talking to me about it, he contacted the aquarium and changed the date to the following weekend. Not only that, but he didn’t even tell me about it! I only found out because soon after we were having a tasting with a caterer, and he corrected me when the caterer asked the date of the wedding! I tried to get the aquarium to switch the date back, but by the time I found out about the change they had already booked my desired date.
I asked him why in the world he thought that was OK, and he just seemed really confused and said he didn’t think it was a big deal, because weddings are about family and obvi we would both do anything to make sure his sister would be able to make it. In hindsight, I guess I should have made more of a stand there, but I figured he had good intentions, and he apologised and agreed never to do such a thing without discussing it with me first.He technically kept to his promise, but ever since then, I feel like he won’t let us make any decisions about the wedding without her input! He refuses to finalize any plans until he’s had a night to “sleep on it”, which would be fine and even prudent, but what he really means by that is that he needs to run it by sis first on their nightly phone call. Then, inevitably, once he’s spoken to her, nearly everything we’ve all but decided on is suddenly no good.
For example, we love to travel and have always shared a love of food, so we were excited to find a caterer that offers a variety of international cuisines. We were leaning towards a plated meal, with the option of lamb or fish as the main course, but sister is an extremely picky eater and insisted that we get a buffet instead, with at least 5 foods that she “can” eat. (She doesn’t eat meat, or most vegetables. Basically nothing that isn’t white.) I said that the caterer had presented a meal plan with plenty of variety, and that they would happily prepare a vegetarian entree for her, but that wasn’t good enough, and I caved.
Other examples of her railroading the wedding planning include declaring that our wedding cake had to be vanilla, because it’s the only kind she likes; demanding that we hire a DJ instead of the band we wanted; requesting that we use only silk flowers instead of natural to avoid triggering her “allergies”; insisting that she get a +1 despite the fact that no one else is getting one, and she doesn’t even have a boyfriend.
As for the advice that Z got, well if it smells like incest and looks like incest…it’s probably incest:
As for what Z did after reading all the responses telling her to get out while she could:
Still no word from Jaime, so I guess that’s all I need to know about how he feels. I called my super awesome boss today, who is letting me telecommute for the next 2 weeks while I get my shit together. I have started packing up everything he didn’t take to his mom’s, and tomorrow morning will begin calling vendors to find out what if any refunds I can get, and I’ll also be calling my GP for a referral to a good counselor. As you all have (mostly kindly!) pointed out, clearly I have issues.
I will post an update once this is all resolved. Thank you all for both the kind words and tough love, it is both heartwarming and kind of depressing to see hundreds of strangers who apparently care more about my feelings than my own fiance.
[Via Reddit]