Hi there Brobible readers, it’s Bread Foster. You might remember me as the guy Buzzfeed called “The Worst Person In The World” and ladies website Refinary29 referred to as “The Real Life Joffery” for my Game Of Thrones Trolling on Brobible. You may also recognize me as the guy whose articles you’ve read and never recognized the author. Well, I wrote a book. It’s called Dude, Bro The How to College Guide Your Parents Don’t Want You To Have. It’s available here and BroBible is going to show you little pieces of the book for a while. Please enjoy.
Welcome, this is the world where people who are completely different play the lottery to find out who they’ll have to fall asleep with. It’s petrifying to think that your most vulnerable and easily murderable moments are going to be shared with a complete stranger. This person, whom you’ve never met before, is going to spend nights listening to you breathe. (In my roommate’s case, Max had to deal with my night terrors, sleep walking, and a REM cycle that shot gas out of my anus that was as thick as a storm on Jupiter.) The only thing a college looks at as a judge of character is grades and financial documents. Plenty of murderers are rich. This person could be a pagan, or worse a Christian. The only difference between college and being in the Army is that one of the two institutions has the common courtesy to teach you to defend yourself. So, let’s give you a little glimpse into the types of roommates you might be faced with.
Alcoholic But Young Enough That It’s Still Fun. This person is a fucking wild card. (The author slyly smiles into a mirror.) This is the type of person who will saw the furniture for no fucking reason. They didn’t get drunk at noon. They got drunk two days ago and have kept it going. They’re the most fun roommates, if you don’t care about any of your shit and don’t mind throwing someone across the room every now and again. In college you’re too young to know if you have a problem yet, so everything with these people is just a story to tell. Right now, you’re bragging you fell asleep on a roof, but when you’re thirty and in AA you’ll be crying about how much time you wasted.
Bathroom Nazi. You can’t even call these assholes Nazis because the Germans never gave anyone grief when it came to etiquette in the shower. (Oh my god. You can’t say that. That’s incredibly insensitive. Someone call the student activities board and report this book as vulgar. Please. Then I could do a college tour.) The bathroom Nazi is so strict they treat every hair like it has hepatitis. They keep Purell in jugs. The bathroom Nazi would rather dive into a tub of Purell than risk a mold mark on the shower curtain. They use shower cleaner directly after they shower and expect you to do the same. I hate to break it to these people, but everyone pees in the shower. Your shower. While you’re asleep, we all sneak into your bathroom and pee in the sink and the shower. Bathroom Nazis will bother you about a hair in the shower drain no matter how late it is. Congratulations, this semester is going to involve enough Clorox it’ll be a legitimate excuse for why you have nosebleeds.
Off The Meds. Enjoy explaining to anyone who comes over your roommate is off her meds and has decided to stop flushing the toilet again. Oh, the joys of a depressed and chronic masturbater sleeping within arm’s reach of you every night. This can be scary as hell, so make sure you have a Taser or a Prozac. For some of us, living with someone who’s off their medications can feel like home. For most though, this is a scary and crippling type of roommate. Schools aren’t very good at getting these people help, unless their grades drop or you can prove it’s an emergency. Until then, it’s your responsibility by proxy.
Misses Home. These people are completely unbearable but still hilarious. You never see them on the weekends because they go home. If they’re from another state, prepare for a lot of Skype calls. It’s mommy-daughter drinking time for the third night in a row, or two bros from high school lying to each other about all the vagina they’re getting. Either way someone else knows more about you than you know about them because “Misses Home” lives vicariously through other, more outgoing people.
The Phantom. The Phantom roommate is the only time it’s good to have a ghost in your apartment. This one doesn’t stare at you when you look in the mirror or hang out just outside your peripheral vision. They’re The Phantom because they may or may not exist. The books on their desk have moved, but you’ve never seen them. They treat the room like it’s storage, so it’s super fun to go through their stuff. What mysteries do they have and what skeletons are hidden in their tiny, school-provided closet? What’s wonderful about these people is whether they spend most their time in their girlfriend’s room or they’re taking twenty-one credits, you get to enjoy essentially having the place to yourself.
The Leave Behind. We all know the leave behind trick for trying to see someone you banged again (if you don’t, learn it). However, with roommates The Leave Behind is a person who, even in a apocalyptic setting where you were the last two people on earth, you’d still leave them behind. They’re about as helpful as booze that costs over seventy dollars a bottle is to an alcoholic. These window lickers are helpless because their mom and dad did everything for them until now. They stare at the laundry machine like it’s a monster that eats quarters and killed their entire family. The Leave Behind is the type of person who only knows how to boil water, and asks you to do everything for them. They’re not completely bad, but you should probably sniff them to make sure. Get ready to be responsible for another human being’s life. Unattended, these people will manage to set raw chicken on fire or explode their sheets trying to make their own bed.
There are plenty of roommates you’re going to have throughout the next few years of college. Some of them will clean dishes, and others will leave handcuffs around the radiator in the bathroom. Make your life easier and accept people for their weird little kinks. Embrace who you live with, around the neck. Tightly. Don’t let them go. Love them. Love them until they can’t love anymore.
Let’s all join together in the comments section and let me, Bread Foster, know how you feel. Either way, if you want more stories and advice from a guy who got a 3.5 average and a 0% attendance record pick up my book here.