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College roommates can either be really awesome or really horrible. They rarely fall anywhere in between. Of course the awesome ones can become lifelong friends, but the horrible ones give us the best stories to tell. That’s where the responses to this question “What are your worst college roommate horror stories?” on “Ask Reddit” posed by KeanusDracula comes into play.
Sure, lifelong friends are nice, but a story you can tell for the rest of your life? Those are just as priceless.
Freshman year is always the hardest. My first roommate came from a party family and wanted to continue the tradition at school. I would wake up to her fucking random dudes or loudly masturbating whilst drunk (she would sometimes throw up when orgasming). The worst part was, she cared about her fellow partiers. Every night when she went out, she would get smashed but would find people worse off than her. If they couldn’t find their home or communicate, she’d drop them back at our tiny dorm room and go back to parties for another few hours – if she came back at all. The bad part was my bed wasn’t lofted originally, so every night I’d wake up to people getting into bed with me and have to put them to sleep elsewhere.
The worst it ever was when she dropped off a pledge who had triple what he should have to drink and had dropped some molly. He was all over the place and I was afraid to leave him to sleep. She didn’t come back that night. All night was spent carrying this guy back and forth to the girls only restroom so he could try to sober up. He was pretty fucked up well into the next day. Eventually he was good to go home and I walked him to his dorm across campus. When I returned home, there was my roommate, furiously drunk masturbating again.
Why would you do that Carol?!? I just wanted sleep! ~ leatherglitterlace
He had a girl over and I was like “ok whatever this is college.”
I asked him not to make to much noise as I had an exam in the morning, so I went to bed.
Woke up at 2 am with a heavy set black guy over my bed saying “Airnova I am your fairy black godmother.”
They thought it’d be funny to invite people over and fuck with me, it’s okay though I looked at his girl (who he’s been dating) and informed her of his current going long distance relationship and went back to bed. ~ AirNova
I had a roommate my first year in college who wanted to be my best friend. Before we met other people it was great and all, but because we had nothing in common, we grew apart. She started getting really passive-aggressive and not talking to me when I came in the room. One night she woke me up at 3 AM and said “we need to talk.” She proceeded to explain how she “signed up to have a best friend” not someone who just “shared a room with her.” She got angry when I didn’t invite her to study with me in the library because I had my own work to do, and even when I wanted to go on a date with my boyfriend alone. She told me either I start doing everything with her or I move the fuck out. I chose the latter. ~ whoops519
Roommate started selling cocaine out of the dorm room. Halfway through the first semester my laptop “went missing”, ironically found it on eBay within 10 minutes with him as the seller. Called the cops when I got him get kicked out. Fun stuff. ~ Kopman
One of our roommates opened the phone bill to see a $4700 bill. Other roommate was pocketing our money and not paying the bill. When confronted he said it was our fault because we were being hostile with him when we confronted him. ~ dblan9
Towards the end of the year I walked in on my roommate jerking off a LOT; up to three times on some days.
It got to the point where I’d pretend to yell to my friends down the hall things like “I’ll be there in a minute. Let me just grab something from my room real quick” just to buy him a few seconds of time to close out of his tabs (he’d watch porn at his desk right in front of the door) and pull his pants on.
Sadly that stopped working when he started wearing headphones…..
EDIT: Since everyone keeps asking “Why didn’t you knock” it was because I never formally addressed the situation, and didn’t want to make it uncomfortable for knocking every time I went in. He was generally pretty quick when I went in my room to cover himself up and close out of the tab and act like nothing happened, so I did the same. I would walk in, he’d exit out of his porn and cover himself (generally with like a hoodie or something) so I would walk in, grab something, and head out never acknowledged that I noticed. For all he knows I’m super oblivious and he was “close” to getting caught a lot.
Plus I didn’t want to knock every time I wanted to go to my room. That’s just crazy. ~ YesLikeTheJeans
My roommate said he didn’t need to bathe because the chlorine at swim practice cleaned him. He would also play wow real loud. I could hear every spell. ~ DownvoteDaemon
My college roommate was an extremely quiet athlete who would go weeks without speaking to me. When she asked me one day if she could order some protein bars, I was confused by the question. Why would my weird quiet roommate need to ask me this? She failed to mention the quantity of protein bars she wanted. She ordered about 50 jumbo cases of protein bars and a similar amount of protein powder online one day. The boxes filled up the entire free floor area of our room for the rest of the year. I had a little pathway cleared so I could walk to my bed. ~ mybfhaslesskarma
Had a roommate freshman year who took a picture of my student ID so he could buy pizza when I wasn’t on campus. Checked my transaction list one day and the kid charged $90 worth of pizza over about a months period. Went to the campus police and they were able to tie it back to him. He got reassigned to another dorm room about two weeks later. When he moved out of our he took a bunch of my shit with him. Clothes, duffle bags, five pound bag of protein, and the remote to TV. Don’t know if he thought I wouldn’t notice or just didn’t give a fuck. I go back to the police and they make him come into the station. He denied the whole thing but the idiot still had the remote in his pocket. Ended up getting all my money and shit back but it was a pain in the ass. ~ jdk11793
My roommate in the dorms wore a puppet on her shoulder and if you asked her a question she would answer with the puppet. It was a puppet of a griffin, which is a mythological creature that’s a combination of lion and eagle. It sucked. We also had all the same classes together and I woke up late more than once to that damn puppet in my face telling me the time. ~ Untereq
Oh god, I have two. The first would come back drunk at like 3 AM on a weeknight, and just whip it out and start pissing on the floor. At first it was intermittent. But then it started to happen a few times a week. Then almost every day. I’d throw shit at him if I woke up, he never even flinched. Eventually he just started passing out on his bed and pissing that instead. Thankfully I had the top bunk.
The other guy was super Christian. To the extent that he didn’t bring a computer to school, because it “took away from his time with God”. Well, after a while, my girlfriend found a bunch of websites in my history. Like, really sick shit. I know it wasn’t me visiting those sites. I started locking my computer every time I even went to the bathroom. Oh yeah, and bought a new keyboard and mouse. ~ Waiting_in_a_Eye_Que
Moved into what had been a single up until spring semester. Roommate (never actually met him) had cleared one entire side of the room and painted a gruesome and bloody crucifixion larger than life on the wall. Apparently that was to be my side of the room. I noped my stuff back out and never returned again. ~ p01yg0n41
Had a roommate who literally never left the dorm room because he played World of Warcraft around the clock. He was so addicted, that he had set up a fridge next to his desk and kept it stocked so he only had to leave his desk as few times as possible. But here is the worst part: to cut down on restroom trips, he would urinate into a container at his desk, and empty it only when it became full. It was disgusting. ~ conundrumbombs
Peeing into a container at his desk? Yeah, I think we’re done here.
Check out the rest of the horror stories and the witty comments that followed over at Reddit.
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