There was a point in time when I was younger where I refused to use a pencil if it didn’t have a gripper on it. I was probably around 10, and I was a dumb piece of shit. One day I finally figured out that you could stick your thumb and index finger over both ends of a gripper, then squeeze it in the middle to create a suction-cup like effect. Excited with my new discovery, in a moment of absentmindedness I stuck the gripper on my face and repeated several times.
This was at home, mind you – which means when I went downstairs and my mom saw hickeys all over my cheek, she freaked out. After a minute or so she remembered I was only 10 and decided I must have some sort of incurable disease, only to facepalm after I told her how I’d stuck a gripper on my face and asked what she was freaking out about, as I hadn’t yet seen what I’d done.
That story pales in comparison, however, to Redditor ElPresidenteCamacho, who stuck a suction cup dildo to his forehead and gave himself a massive hickey:
My fiancée and I have gotten a couple new things to try out in the bedroom lately. One of them is a dildo with a suction base. Her and I also have the mental age of 10 and were waving around the floppy pink fun rod within minutes of getting it.
The obvious next step was to try and stick it to things. The knee worked, chest didn’t, and she had a failed attempt on her forehead. Being the one-upper I am, I proceeded to slap that fucker onto my forehead and show her how it’s done. Suction was achieved.
After about three minutes of prancing around and slapping things with my dickhorn, I decided to remove it. As soon as I start pulling it off I can tell something is wrong. The rubber stick of love formed a special bond with my forehead, wanting to live out its life with its new best friend.
After some struggling I managed to pull it off with an audible pop. My fiancée immediately had an ‘oh shit’ look on her face.
“babe, your forehead is purple.”I ran into the bathroom to look at it, and it actually wasn’t too bad. I figured it would fade quickly. I thought I had lucked out…
Fast forward one sex later, and my fiancée is again staring at my forehead. “Oh my God, it’s a lot darker.” I went back to the bathroom and yeah, that shit definitely bruised pretty badly. I now have a dildo-caused bruise on my forehead that I’m hoping goes away before I go back to work on Monday. At a bank.
It’s okay dude – just tell people you walked into a door, or got hit in the forehead playing sports over the weekend. No way will people jump to “Oh he’s lying, dude definitely was running around with a dildo stuck to his face”…unless you give off that sort of vibe, in which case you have way bigger problems than a visible hickey.
[Via Reddit]