Russia’s like a whole different world to me. Like if it came out in five years that Russia was actually from a different planet that collided with Earth 100 years ago and the government covered the whole thing up, I wouldn’t be too surprised. People like that just aren’t supposed to exist. I have enough competition with women from American men who don’t look like a half-formed manbaby that crawled out of some hole in the ground. I don’t need all these Russian dudes ripping full grown trees out of the ground with their bare hands and taking ice baths instead of having their morning coffee.
Take Yuriy Panteleenko. Guy found a bear cub in the woods when it was 3 months old and adopted it. Now he has a 23 year-old pet bear and a wife named Svetlana. Coincidence? Absolutely not.
Via Daily Mail:
“On the surface Svetlana and Yuriy Panteleenko appear like any other ordinary couple, but for their 23-year-old bear named Stepan. Standing at more than seven foot, the large mammal is so domesticated the family often sit down together in the evenings to watch television.”
“And the bear has even been known to help out around the house – or at least in the garden – by watering the plants.”
“While Stepan gets through more than a bowl of porridge a day his favourite dish is a can of condensed milk thanks to a sweet tooth. He also stocks up on a hefty 25kg of fish, vegetables and eggs – meaning dinner time at the Panteleenko’s is never a breeze.”
“But fortunately for Stepan, he’s also a football fanatic so works off the gut-busting amount of food his parents serve him every day.”
Am I supposed to like this? Because I don’t. Not one bit. How am I, an American blogger, supposed to compete with a Russian tough guy and his pet bear? I literally can’t. It’s not possible. In any situation ever, if we went head-to-head, I lose every single time. 100% rate of failure. There’s nothing I can do or offer that is cooler than a pet bear. “Hey you want to go back to my place? I have a pet bear.” “I…uh…I have running water and every season of The Sopranos on DVD except the 4th.” Doesn’t matter if the dude is married. He’s the kind of guy who could pull ass at a bar just so none of us get any. He doesn’t even want to sleep with these girls. Just escort them out of the bar so the rest of us can’t try our hand. This is why I drink too much when I go out. I just assume that there’s someone in the bar who’s got something awesome sitting at home they can use to impress chick that I don’t have. Like a pet bear. Or an inkling of self-esteem.