Shutterstock
My paternal clock has never had a particularly loud tick, meaning that I’ve never been in a hurry to start having kids. After reading these stories parents shared of the weirdest things they’ve found in their kid’s internet history the last thing in the world I’m thinking about is procreation.
I believe the phrase ‘kids say the darndest things’ now has a new counterpart of ‘kids are complete psychopaths’, because after reading through the stories above I’m beginning to think that a lot of children should be institutionalized for psychiatric evaluation. I don’t want to give away too much, so let’s just right to these WTF stories, shall we?
CrimsonRainCR:
My kid looked up Ruth Ginsburg naked, Clinton naked, Hillary Clinton naked, followed by Spongebob, Lyrics Life On Mars, ending with Condo Lisa Rice naked. Needless to say there was no more internet for her, still trying to figure out why she wanted to see those people of all people naked, but we can’t talk about that, too weird.
OMFGORLY:
My boss told me a story of his 8 year old son’s youtube history. Apparently he would take the ipad and just watch videos of Asian children crying for hours on end.
Uikutoru:
Littlebrother around 11 found out about pages like “big boobs sex”. “Naked girls butts”. On Facebook. Liked about 200 of these kind of pages in just an hour. His Facebook account was filled with relatives and friends from school. I could feel his shame when his mom found out and started screaming as it sunk into him that everyone had seen what he had done the past hour…
abacon4:
Step daughter was into ninja turtles for a while. She would read fan fiction and role play with some random people. She would pretend to be pregnant with turtle babies (triplets) and another time she was one of the ninja turtles having gay sex with another turtle. There are somethings you do not need to find.
tenclubber:
My son is 16 now so this was about 4 years ago. I had got a new tablet and he had gotten in the habit of taking it into his room to play games on.
I got curious one day and looked at the search history. “Pokemon cheat code”, “halo map”, “big boobies”, “dick suck”, “minecraft”…
It was such an odd mix I had to laugh. I bookmarked some sites that he could look at that weren’t hardcore porn…SI Swimsuit site, etc. I let him know he could look at these and it was ok. The last few years he’s had his own laptop and I really don’t even bother anymore. Trying to control a teenage boy’s masturbatory habits is the definition of fighting a losing battle.
Wisdom_Of_A_Man:
My ten year old googled, ‘sexy fagina.’ His spelling is atrocious.
josh_the_misanthrope:
5 year old looked up on youtube when I wasn’t around for “fijina videos” and “pepe videos”. And he didn’t mean rare pepes.
AnthraxGrenade:
Not parent but cousin.
little cousin had tab open called “How to get revenge”.
ultravibe:
My friend’s kid searched on cows pooping, and apparently watched many YouTube videos of cows pooping.
Ha!
scsibusfault:
Not a parent story, but close enough.
Used to be the IT department for a Kinder through 5th grade school. Once we actually received a budget to purchase laptops for the classrooms, I was tasked with imaging them all, and also implementing a web content filter (which we hadn’t had previously, since it was before students had computer access).
Well, I wanted to make sure my filter was working well. So naturally, I test it. My go-to site is always “boobs.com”, because it’s relatively benign (or it was, haven’t checked it in ~10yrs) and it should always trigger a filter. It gets blocked, filter works, life is good. I deliver laptops to the classrooms and go about my job as usual.
A few months later, a teacher comes ripping down into my office holding a laptop, breathlessly yelling “we have a problem! The kids are systematically trying to bypass the filter!”
I’m like, woah woah woah. How do you know?
“I’ve checked ~10 machines now, and everyone one of them has boobs.com in the search history!”
As soon as she said it, I realize my mistake. I used the first laptop to check the filter… which happened to be the laptop I used to create the donor image that I then cloned onto every other laptop in the school. I successfully put “boobs.com” as the only address in the search history on EVERY school computer.
You’re welcome, parents.
_Goose_:
My daughter was googling to see if you could marry cartoon characters. She has been obsessed with Flynn from Tangled ever since the first time she watched it.
godbois:
I received my first computer when I was 15. Before that, my only interaction with the internet was when I visited my older, married sister during the summer. My first experience with the internet was when I was 12.
I visited my sister and she left me alone in the house for the day while she and my BIL worked. My parents did that all the time, it was cool.
That night when he got home my BIL sat me down. He had a little smirk on his face. He thought he caught me red handed.
“Did you know my computer keeps a record of the websites you visit?” “…..no.. I didn’t..”
He proceeds to pull up his internet history..
And sees 9 hours of activity. Of Animorphs. Searching for Animorph websites. Posting in Animorph forums. Reading about Animorphs. Reading Animorph fanfiction. Looking at Animorph fan art. Just. Animorphs.
My guess is he expected me to look up porn and instead of telling me not to do it ahead of time he thought it was fair and reasonable to bust my balls after the fact and humiliate me. But fuck that douchebag, Animorphs is where it’s at.
pubesforhire:
A friend’s younger brother was starting to get to that age. I think 11 or so. Their family computer kept getting infected with viruses and whatnot, parents wouldn’t do much about it.
Until they found “How big is a vajayna” in the google search and they decided to sit him down for a little sex ed. Cracks me up every time.
ronglangren:
How to kist a girl. He was 5.
delnorteduck:
My son looked up “screaming fucking bitches.” He was 11 at the time. Not ordinary fucking bitches. The screaming kind.
ZXander_makes_noise:
Well I’m sure my dad was disappointed by “bigtitsroundasses.com”, judging by the fact that he couldn’t look at me when he told me not to go to those sites
And lat but not least…This is a long one, but worth the read:
RamsesThePigeon:
While I am not a parent, I once helped a family set up their home computer network… and in the course of doing so, I ran into a patently bizarre sort of family feud.
At the time of this story, I was casually acquainted with a young woman who had, via a process of not-so-subtle suggestion and outright pleading, convinced her aunt – Ellen, we’ll call her – to finally get her children (ages ten and twelve) their own personal computers. Why this was such a powerful obsession for my friend is still unknown to me, but I agreed with the sentiment. After all, these kids had been limited to using the “family computer” for the majority of their lives, which had made school projects and socialization alike into somewhat difficult tasks.
After having finally been convinced, Aunt Ellen bought each of her children a desktop computer. Then, to further cement her household’s position in the Information Age, she switched from the bottom-rung DSL connection they’d been using and upgraded to a respectably fast cable service. (The inclusion of television channels and a home phone line may have helped her with that decision.) However, she discovered with some dismay that setting up her network was a bit of a daunting challenge. That’s where I came in.
At first, this seemed like it would be a simple endeavor: I’d just set up a router, install a couple of wireless NICs, and be done with it. However, Aunt Ellen had a few special requests.
“The most important thing,” she told me, “is an Internet password.”
I nodded my understanding, though I wasn’t completely sure what she wanted. “Do you mean a WiFi password?” I asked. “Something to protect your wireless network?”
“Oh, yes, certainly that,” replied Aunt Ellen, “but I also want to keep my kids off the Internet if it’s past dinnertime. That’s when all the creeps come out.”
Well, that was fine. I had some private thoughts on the matter, but I wasn’t there to offer parenting advice or play Internet Educator. I set up the network, put the necessary conditions in place on the router, and moved on.
“Okay, great!” Aunt Ellen said, visibly pleased. “Next, put passwords on each of the new computers.” She didn’t immediately offer an explanation for this, but my assumption was that it was to keep her son (the ten-year-old) from snooping on his sister’s machine (and vice versa).
“Do you want to have your kids set up their own passwords?” I asked.
Aunt Ellen’s answer was accompanied by a look of shock. “Oh, no, no! No, only my husband and I will know them. I don’t want my kids on the computer without permission!” Again, this seemed counterproductive to me, but I held my tongue and did her bidding. With everything complete, my final task was to reconnect the “family computer” to the network, and go on my merry way.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my job was only halfway finished.
The following day, I received a phone call from my friend. Her Aunt Ellen, it seemed, was having some unspecified difficulties with the new network setup, and she wanted to know if I could stop by to help with them. I was wary of becoming the family’s personal IT technician, but the fear that I’d done something wrong brought me back to their house. Upon arrival, Aunt Ellen explained to me that her husband had been unable to check his email the night before.
“I know you did your best,” she said, “but do you think maybe something went wrong?”
“Well, I can certainly find out,” I replied. “Do you know if he used the right password? Remember, if it’s after seven, you need to enter it first.”
Aunt Ellen smiled and nodded. “Oh, yes, definitely! I even tried it myself.”
I was skeptical, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and pulled up the router’s configuration page. Everything seemed to be in order… except for an extra entry that I’d never seen before. It specifically locked a handful of URLs – each of them clearly pornographic in nature – and had the curious label of “NoFacebook=NoPorn.”
“I need to check something,” I told Aunt Ellen. “Do you mind if I look at…” I thought for a brief moment before continuing. “May I look at your daughter’s computer?”
We went up to the girl’s room, and had a look at the computer in question (after Aunt Ellen made me avert my gaze while she entered the necessary password). Lo and behold, somebody had created a second administrator account, and their browser history showed that it had been used the night before to access the router. Suddenly, it dawned on me: I’d never changed the router’s default password, and Aunt Ellen’s sweet, innocent, twelve-year-old daughter had taken it upon herself to passive-aggressively block her father’s access to his pornography.
It was, to say the least, an awkward predicament.
Fortunately, I managed to resolve the situation while leaving everyone’s pride intact, although it took a lot more finesse than I had expected the task to require. In the end, the father’s browsing capabilities were restored, the router’s password was changed, and nobody (save perhaps the twelve-year-old) was any wiser… and even though I undid her work, I left the bent paperclip that I saw beside the girl’s keyboard.
There are many more of these stories over on the AskReddit thread, and some of them were too inappropriate for me to feature here. So if you’re interested in reading more you can click on over by following any of those links above. In the meantime I’d like to invite all you bros to join me in getting a vasectomy so we never have to face that awkward conversation of confronting our children after finding the most WTF things imaginable in their Internet search history.
Surprised Boy Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com