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When life gives you lemons, you’re expected to make lemonade. Sometimes, though, life gives you really bad lemons that are pretty much good for nothing except being thrown in the garbage. I’m pretty sure it was Cheech or Chong who once said that sex is like weed: It’s not always great, but it’s never bad. Which I agree with. But sometimes, your partner says or does something that turns the sex from mediocre to just straight up not enjoyable anymore. It’s like forgetting the person’s name in the middle of sex or suddenly feeling the urge to ask them what their opinions are on international policy with the Middle East when they’re trying to go down on you. If anything, you should use these stories as examples of things not to say.
That lamp is making your cock cast a 12 foot shadow on the window blinds – the neighbours will be impressed.
“Oh shit my dad’s home! Finish in the closet! Quick!”
She lifted up her semen covered hand and yelled “high five!” in her best Borat voice.
Nothing. She just farted, causing her to laugh, which caused more farting, etc. She was so disgusted with herself she had to quit this round of sex.
“Feel my big thing enter you”. English is not his first language. I laughed so hard. He’s my husband now and it took years to get him to dirty talk to me again. He’s a pro at it now!
“Are you eating gummy worms?”
We were going Doggy style and I didn’t think she would notice.
*laughing “I used to have Calculus with you” she says as I’m inside her.
*edit My inbox is just calculus puns now.
While having sex with a girl while she was on her period whose first language is not English, I suggested we stop because the bed looked like a murder scene. With me still inside of her she turned her head around and looked me square in the eyes and said, it’s okay I’m vampire.
“You like that you saucy biscuit?”
I was on top and he was trying to do some kind of circular motion with his hips and he chose to inquire about the results with the following gold nugget of dirty talk:
“You like that? Do you like the rotation on your inside walls?”
To this day, I still can’t fathom why he chose that particular phrasing, of all things.
Happened to a friend of mine, but the guy was on top and was asking her where she wanted him to cum. She said she didn’t know so his response was “What? Do you want me to cum in your purse so you can take that shit home with you?” She lost it and they had to stop.
This was right before sex and also pre-oral sex. I began the task, but then he stopped me and left the room. He comes back quickly, so I continue my task. Immediately I get a grainy taste in my mouth and freak out. I realize it’s sugar and say ” what the hell?!” He replies with a smile “I wanted to give you something sweet.” I was caught off guard and he was very sincere, so we laughed pretty hard about it.
I kind of am picking up on what the last guy is putting down. Bitches love sugar dick. That’s a proven fact. You can check more of these gems here. And remember, take some notes, because you don’t want to end up on one of these lists next time they come rolling around.