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Fun fact: girls poop.
Even more fun fact: sometimes, after eating Taco Bell then chasing it down with a quick trip to Burger King, girls poop a lot.
Not-very-fun-fact-but-still-a-fact: if you bring a girl home for the night, then wake up to find that she’s shat all over your room and dipped without leaving a trace (besides her feces), you’ve officially been hit by The Butthole Bandit.
Kind of like what happened to Redditor original-user-name:
So, I was at a friend’s party in my second year of university and I ended up bringing this girl back to mine. We did the nasty and all that and I passed out a happy man, blissfully ignorant of what was to come..
I awoke in the middle of the night, very much aware that my leg was really wet. Worried that I may have wet myself in the night, I snuck off to investigate. I crept out of the room and stumbled through the pitch black corridor to the bathroom where I pull the light cord down.
My right leg is COMPLETELY covered in shit, from the waist down to the knee. I start freaking out and immediately check between my cheeks, to my extreme relief it was clean and dingleberry-free, so I could rest easy that I wasn’t the Midnight Soiler. Then suddenly I’m thinking “Oh God, I need to get this shit off of me”. So I hop in the shower and do a deep, deep clean, all the while formulating a plan of action. I just remember thinking I can’t deal with this right this second: its super late, I’m really drunk, I’ll sort it tomorrow. My roommate was away for the weekend so I decided to just crash in his bed for the night and survey the wreckage tomorrow.As I ascend from my drunken slumber I shoot bolt upright in the bed as last night’s events come streaming back to me. The poop! I rush up the stairs to my room, get to my door and pull the door open. The English language fails to describe the smell that met me. I was hit by an odour wave so powerful that I recoiled back a step, like when you open the oven door to a face full of steam. The smell overwhelmed my entire consciousness for a few moments, when I snapped out of the pungent daze I poked my head through the open door…..
Carnage. Total carnage.
imgur
imgur
imgur
I start screaming for my other housemate, let’s call him Tom, “TOMMMM! TOMMMM! Get here NOW!!!”. So he comes bounding over to my room and observes the wreckage. We were immediately overwhelmed with laughter; pointing and crying, falling over each other. Then all of a sudden he screams “My towel!”. Sure enough, his towel has been left in a shitty pile in the middle of the room. Observing the continuous Hansel and Gretel-like line of droppings leading from my bed to the bathroom, we deciphered that she must have ran in there, “cleaned” herself off with his towel and ran home.
So after recovering from what can only be described as the funniest thing that will ever happen to me in my life. I come to the realisation that this is the place that I live, where I sleep, and this isn’t going to clean itself. After collecting photo evidence of my ordeal, I traverse around the poop and roll up all of the soiled bedding etc. and wrap it into a ball. I try to force it into the bin outside but it’s already pretty full. In the end I just leave half of it poking out and hope that no one notices.
Back upstairs, I gingerly crawled across my bare mattress to sniff where the main pile had lain. A lungful of shit told me that the mattress was also soiled through. Solution? Bread knife. I spent a good half an hour manically sawing through the fabric and inner material to remove the soaked half before I flipped the mattress. Good as new.
After some industrial steam cleaning and open windows for a few days the smell receded. The same can’t be said for the sheets and duvet in the bin outside. Every day more pungent than the last. After the bin was collected by those unfortunate waste disposal folks, those photos remain the sole sensory reminder of that crazy night.
TL;DR: Brought a girl home, got shat on, cleaned up the mess.
[Via Reddit]
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