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To work this job, you’ve gotta have a pretty strong constitution. Because you watch and see a LOT of weird things on the web.
In no particular order, in the past two-and-a-half years, I’ve seen:
- A dude sticking his dick in a snake’s ass
- A girl lecturing on why people should fuck their dogs
- Men putting My Little Pony figurines in their urethras
- Videos of countless people being killed
- An alligator biting off a man’s leg
But I’m not sure I’ve ever visibly recoiled as much as I did when I found out about “pearling.”
It comes from this VICE piece, about a new practice in Cuba (actually an old practice, but new to me), that involves doing something awful to your dick to help a woman achieve orgasm.
I’m talking awful. Feel free to not read anymore.
Please, I’m telling you. I already got your click by getting this far. You don’t need to know about this. It’s not something you are ever going to do, or even entertain the idea of.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
Okay.
According to Arianna Villafaña, a Cuban GP at the Móstoles University Hospital, the pearl is a small ball, often made of plastic, that’s placed under the skin of the penis through a small incision. The surgery is usually performed at home, without any proper sanitary precautions. “The goal is to enhance sexual performance,” says Arianna. “The Cuban myth claims that women who feel the pearl will go mad with pleasure.”
LAHGRAFALLAGHRAHAHAHAHAHA NO.
No.
No.
Cut up your dick a bit, stick a pearl in there, let the skin grow back around it and … no. The idea is, like a permanently ribbed condom on your dick, the bump (or, worse, bumps) will provide extra and or different vaginal contact that will make your lover go wild.
LAHGRAFALLAGHRAHAHAHAHAHA NO.
Oh and it often goes gangrene.
Dr. Arianna Villafañe insists that the pearl can have a devastating effect on the health of the owner. During her years working at the Hospital Provincial Saturnino Lora at Santiago de Cuba, she saw cases of tetanus, balanitis and gangrene as a result of getting the pearl. “I personally only saw a case of balanitis that resulted the surgical removal of the pearl, but I have heard about cases in which part of the penis had to be removed because it had been severely affected by gangrene.”
Okay. All of that sounds awful. All of that was the worst part of my 2016 so far. All of that I never want to experience again.
But I endured more. Oh how I wish I hadn’t. Because when I went to write about this, I wanted to know a little extra about the practice.
Let me tell you something: The Wikipedia entry for ‘Pearling’ does not hold back with the pictures.
I’m gonna go stick my hand so far down my throat my fingers touch my pyloric sphincter.
[What’s the opposite of a H/T? NTRSCTN]