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The Oscars is one of those events that so many people watch that you almost have to or else you feel like you’re missing out on a shared cultural experience, sort of like the Super Bowl. The only problem is that, outside of a few tense moments in the categories people actually care about, the Oscars is horrifically boring.
Thankfully, there is an ancient and incredibly effective way for combating boredom that anyone can do: drinking yourself into a goddamn stupor. And because we’re all gentlemen and raconteurs here, let’s not just chug without meaning. No, let’s give our degeneracy shape by tying it to our milieu, like scientists or poets or whatever the fuck smart people do. In short: let’s have a goddamn Oscars drinking game, bros.
– Take a drink every time host Chris Rock makes a joke referencing the controversy surrounding the lack of black acting nominees and the subsequent boycott led by Spike Lee and the Smiths (the Will and Jada kind, not the Morrissey kind.)
– Drink whenever the camera pans to the lily-white audience laughing nervously after each joke.
– Chug if Rock just says fuck it and starts laying into the audience, calling out specific people like he’s in a club savaging hecklers. Finish your drink if they just keep laughing nervously anyway.
– Drink every time a speech runs long and the orchestra cuts them off.
– Drink if they keep trying to give their speech over the music anyway.
– Chug if this actually works and the orchestra stops playing.
– Drink every time a white guy wins an award (this alone should get you pretty drunk).
– Drink whenever the white guy who won tries to dedicate the win to black actors even though just hours earlier he was overheard asking Chris Rock whatever happened to his show on Comedy Central.
– Chug if the white actor tries to invite a black actor on stage to give him his award, which isn’t patronizing at all. Nope.
– Drink every time a winner for one of the foreign films painfully tries to get through a speech in broken English.
– Drink when the crowd acts like it was the best speech ever even though they couldn’t understand any of it.
– Chug if the speech is in the winner’s native language, and the crowd reacts like it was the best speech ever even though he was actually saying something super-offensive.
– Drink whenever an actor decides that, instead of thanking everyone, to just give a long, sanctimonious political speech.
– Drink if it’s Matt Damon.
– Chug if Mel Gibson somehow gets a mic and things get… uncomfortable.
– Drink whenever the camera pans to Jack Nicholson.
– Drink whenever Jack pretends he even knows what is going on.
– Chug if Jack openly hits on a teenage actress. (This will probably happen 2-3 times, minimum.)
– Drink whenever you recognize someone during the “In Memoriam” montage.
– Drink whenever it’s some no-name who gets barely any applause even though his family is probably all watching. Switch to shots if they leave somebody out of the montage altogether.
– Chug if you correctly guess which dead celebrity they’re saving for last in the montage. (My guess is Omar Sharif or Christopher Lee. Maybe Maureen O’Hara.) Finish the bottle when you realize, much to your shame, that this is the most interesting part of the show to you because you’re a ghoul.
– Drink whenever there’s a lame comedy bit that everyone pretends is funny anyway.
– Drink if any of the following people are involved in said bit: Will Ferrell, Seth Rogen, Amy Schumer, Tina Fey.
– Chug if the bit involves Chris Rock and Mel Gibson discussing race relations. Finish the bottle if Mel drops an n-bomb and the show cuts immediately to commercial.
– Drink whenever someone’s dress/outfit is completely ridiculous and inappropriate for the event.
– Drink if it’s Dame Judi Dench or someone like that in a completely see-through top.
– Chug if you actually care about the “fashion” because, really, drinking is all you have going for you.
– Drink if anything interrupts the show, whether it’s a protestor, a streaker, or whatever.
– Drink if whoever gets interrupted handles it as well as David Niven did back in the day.
– Chug if Will Smith and family are the interrupters, and finish the bottle if Jaden Smith grabs the mic and starts “philosophizing” while Willow Smith stares at everyone and steals their souls.
– Drink whenever a movie you’ve never heard of wins an award.
– Pound shots if you’ve actually seen the movie that wins best picture.
– Chug Guzzoline and huff spray paint if Mad Max: Fury Road wins, and demand that your friends witness you as you ride to Valhalla, all shiny and chrome.
– Drink if the show actually ends on time.
– Switch to hard alcohol if the show runs long. (Better stock up…)
– Chug if you actually managed to make it to the end of the show, both because it’s the only way it’s going to happen without falling asleep, and because you should turn to a life of alcoholism if you actually find the Oscars entertaining enough to watch through all the way to the end.
Photo: StacieStauffSmith Photos / Shutterstock.com